i think that i've gotten a lot from my mom. genetically, i think too much about things... a whole darn lot. gah. i worry that i won't suit him. worry i dun deserve him... worry wat his bestfriends might think of me. gah. we had a drama moment just now and then i really felt that and i told him as well that if he was with me right now, and he give me a big hug and tell me that everything's gonna be fine, i would be just fine, like feeling blessed. :) so we are good. time to let go... time to push myself up. :)
i texted ki telling him that i don't want anything to change between us coz i hate it... and he said don't worry coz he's not letting me off that easily.. :) and i texted him that i heart him. its the same way that i hv for supi... n he said that makes the 2 of us. i then jokingly said he never said i heart u too and he texted me this, "That's because I heart you like crazy, and forever more babe.. :) " oh mine ki............. :)
dang
the more i talk to him, the more 'wronger' this feels. arrrrggghhh!!
mixed emotions
i have told ki about him. somehow, one way or another, when i reached home, and when i talked to him, i really truly felt that i have made the wrong choice. this feeling sux. truly. it feels like i have just let go of some1 who is capable of loving me all his heart, for someone that i don't even know whether i can have a future with. what am i blinded by? i am always fucking confused. i felt the immediate difference just now... like he does not sit next to me, like he does not give that eye contact with me, like he smokes a whole lot just now.. what have i done? i have made the wrong choice. its too late to turn back now isnt it? tsk. el, what is el? as much as i'm feeling like this, i guess he deserve better...
confirm
Saturday, March 27, 2010
i went up to ask my mom today, "umi, macammane umi tahu yg abahlah yg umi nak kahwin?" and she said,"sebab abah tak balik rumah. dia sanggup nak hantar umi balik, amik umi balik, dia tinggal kat rumah makcik dia." i was like... "huh???" lost say!!! so i guess its d sacrifice that my dad made dat moved her. isit???? *lost* and then i asked her, "Camner calon2 yg Nur bawak balik? ok? mana satu Ma suka?" she laughed out loud!!! "Mana satu yang kau sukalah. yang rasa boleh jaga kau, yang baik, yang solat, yang kau kenal hati perut dia..." hmmmm... thats a toughie. hahah. zaki fits d bill. totally. but part 'nur suka' tu ada payau sikit. :)
i was chillin wif ki ytd and he made his confession. i saw it coming and was hoping that he wudnt say. but he did. he went "i think i should start dating." and i was like, "yeah man! u shud!" and then he said, "i wanna date you out." hahahaha! he knew wat i felt about him right from the start. a great friend. but he was glad that he got it off his chest. :) i hope that my friendship wif ki n wan stays really long... coz it really feels as though i've known them like forever. they felt the same way too... :) after he send me home.. he texted me...
"Good night el..I am home..today as usual was fffaaannttaassttiicc..btw u said u wanted to know with whom I had that sparks, it is you..have a good rest..""
ki poured out to me ytd as well... he told me about his late mom. she passed away when he was 11... so he only has some memories of her. he don't even have a picture of her. it all got burnt by a jealous aunty. he has not been celebrating raya for the past 17 years and the only baju kurung he has is a yellow one which belonged to his dad once. he did good deeds for his mom, and he continued to study just because of a promise that he has made with his mom before she passed on. it was an emotional night ytd... He even loves it when a friend's mother nagged at him coz thats the closest he can have to a mom's love nagging. :)
i thank Allah for still keepin my mom with me... i thank Allah for waking me up to her constant nagging... at least when i hear her naggings early in the morning, i know that i still have her in my life. i thank Allah for the problems that he has given my family. at least i know i still have them to squabble with... :)
to a very close friend that has lost many of her love ones last year, lets just pray and give "Al fateha" to them constantly. at least they are with Him now... somewhere safer than here... i believe.
i'm heading out later... i hope everything goes smoothly... :)
different
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
i've always dream that someday, i can blog about how i met the love of my life, my soulmate, my other half, the missing jigsaw piece... or watever you label it. always imagine it would be a dreamy2 thing... very fairytale like that ppl will go awwwww when i relate the story. how i met him, how he was different, how he has sweaty palms, places we went to and stuph like that. i always tot that sumday, i mite be able to share my love adventure like how az or a fellow blogger i know did. somehow, i hate to admit this... all that is sooooo far fetched. the closest would be just me and my chick flicks... wishing everyday that movies can be reality someday. tsk. hopeful. too hopeful. tsk. i've met n known a lot of guys and i'm not here to brag about it. its just that with all the many guys that i've gone out with... its only a handful that i tot i cud give it a shot. but unfortunately, they don't feel the same way. question is... would u wanna love or be loved or in love? i am very sure everyone wants to be in love. awww... how surreal that would be. in love. guy meets gal. they fall in love. why is it that i can't have that? 26 this year. i'm farkin old. with my not-so-nice past, will i ever be in love???
farking shit
Monday, March 15, 2010
i told a stranger my deepest secrets. and it fucked up. fucking hell. where's the "Never talk to strangers." sign again???
awesome. fucking awesome!
friends like us...
Friday, March 12, 2010
this episode never fail to make me LOL!
7 March
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Niza had her daughter's cukur rambut session... and it has been AGES since i last saw them (T.Brie & family)!!! They kinda mock me. Hahahah.. but it's all in good fun. I have missed my Godson, Mimi, growing up. He don't even remember me. Sigh. Wat have I done. Shucks! :(
Mas treated me to Alice in Wonderland. Me, bummer.. no cents to my name. Tsk!
I'm sick and tired already sitting at home. an F-Grade BUMMER! Tsk!
nas
the weekends of Feb was constantly spent with Nas. JB, West Coast, Sports School, Jurong Hill, Sentosa... It was awesome and all the verbal jousting, crapping and stuph. He totally get my jokes like u gals do... and he's really nice. He met my nenek and my mom as well when he drove us to Geylang. great fellow. He admitted he sorta like me. I tot he was pulling my leg lah! coz he's not the kinda guy who wants to get married and stuph so i tot we purely love spending time with each other. Which i know we do lah! But, with the feelings, it sorta like make the friendship lil bit diff lah. So i told him d truth and stuph... and so we are spending less time. *sigh*
zaki n wan
I 've been hanging out a lot wif Ki & Wan lately... It has been awesome. :) I have a strong weird feeling that Ki wants to woo me or sth... I do not know how to tell him not to though. How??? He's awesome lah. Very funny and spontaneous. but.... the feeling is just not there... I am really waitin for the day that i will find HIM and the feeling is just mutually perfect.
Where are u?
it hurts...
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
I just read He's just not into you. like finally! And i really truly understood why he left me hanging. Coz he's just not into me. Stoopid me. So stoopid. All the wait... for wat again? I ought to bang my head on the wall man! Hahhahhaha!
And this just came in:
El, im sorry for everything.. El, u are perfect. its jus me el. i have to go without u. im goin to be a husband in july el. i dont noe y i cant say it to u while i still can last time. i jus dont want u to hurt. but i noe, it hurts more for u not to hear it from me my myself. im sorry el... i hope u can forgive me el..
He's sooooo not into me. From last time. Wat was i thinking? Hahahah..
the weekends of Feb was constantly spent with Nas. JB, West Coast, Sports School, Jurong Hill, Sentosa... It was awesome and all the verbal jousting, crapping and stuph. He totally get my jokes like u gals do... and he's really nice. He met my nenek and my mom as well when he drove us to Geylang. great fellow. He admitted he sorta like me. I tot he was pulling my leg lah! coz he's not the kinda guy who wants to get married and stuph so i tot we purely love spending time with each other. Which i know we do lah! But, with the feelings, it sorta like make the friendship lil bit diff lah. So i told him d truth and stuph... and so we are spending less time. *sigh*